Carmen Mercer

I hate even thinking about my childhood; there was nothing good or wonderful about it. My mother is white and was a prostitute who got pregnant by her pimp (my father) who is black, at 19 years old. I don’t call her my mom I call her by her first name Pam, because she was never a mother to me. I can remember as far back as being about 6 years old when we lived at the palms motel in Portland, Pam was always gone. She left me at that motel with Joseph (my dad) whom I was terrified of, every day. He seemed as tall as the ceiling; his skin was always dark and greasy. He walked around with tiny rollers and a clear plastic shower bag over his head, smoking Newport’s, counting and recounting money all day long. I remember him saying to me, “lil ol Carmen girl, one day you gonna be finer than yo momma, and you see all this money I got ova here? If you use what you got you gonna have it all.” I use to think about him saying that to me all the time and thinking if I had that money now I could find my grandmother Ann, Pam's mom, and live with her. Pam told me back then that my Nana Ann didn’t like black people and that she never wanted to see me so I got rid of that idea of mine real quick. One night Pam, and Joe end up going to jail, the police came to room and kicked down the door and found all Joe’s cocaine and money and arrested them both. I was taken to some sort of home for a few days until they got in contact with my grandmother Ann, she came and picked me up and I lived with her over in Vancouver Washington for 3 years till Pam was released from the Sheridan Federal Correctional Institution, in 1993. When I seen her standing outside those prison gates that day Grandma and I drove to pick her up, I asked grandma, “where is Pam? They didn’t let her out did they; she’s not out there standing with those other women! All I see is two black ladies and some fat white woman sitting on a big bag of trash.” She replied, “that fat one sitting right there is your mother Carmen dear,” I didn’t even recognize her. The once blonde, 5’10…weighing 130 pounds wet Pam, is now a sandy-dirty blonde and about 230 pounds! She grabbed me and hugged me, pushed my curly hair out of my face and kissed my forehead, I didn’t know this woman but she was much better then, the other Pam. After being out for about 6 months Pam found a job and a new apartment. Things went alright for about another half year. She was terminated from parole early for good behavior and complying with the Department of Corrections. It wasn’t but a year later Pam had lost all that weight and started drinking and partying every night. There was nothing I could do, not even go back and live with Grandma again, she had fell sick and was living at the Prestige Senior Rehabilitation Center. I was right back where I had tried for years to forget about being.

Pam went through men like just like she did when she and Joe were together. Only she didn’t get money like she did back then. She let her boyfriends, friends move in, all they did was partied and got high. One night I was in my room laying down, I had just gotten out of the shower and into bed, it was late and I had school in the morning. Pam had left with her boyfriend Bill at that time, to go get more beer. I had fallen halfway asleep when I felt someone climb into my bed. It was dark in there and I couldn’t see… I rolled over, I thought it was Pam; sometimes she’d get really drunk and would climb in bed with me reeking of vodka and start trying to play the loving mother role, but as I turned to see who it was, my mouth and nose were covered by the strong hand of a man. I tried to scream, kick, bite and scratch, but he was just too strong! He kneed me in my crouch and put his forearm in my neck, and told me, “you’d better shut your F’n trap, ya hear or I will cut your F’n head clean off your shoulders!”  he snatched off my pj bottoms and underwear, then jerked my legs apart and rammed himself inside of me, my body couldn’t handle all that force and pain at the same time I don’t  think, because I stiffened up like a board and all the breath went out of me for a moment. I couldn’t scream either, it was like I was paralyzed threw the entire rape. After he finished he told me I had better not tell my mom or anyone about it or he’d kill me. After he grabbed all his belongings and left the house I ran a cool shower and just let the water wash away all the tears and blood. I didn’t tell Pam about it until a couple years later right before grandma past away. She blamed me and said I must have like it because I would have come to her when it happened. I just looked at her and walk away. That’s when my heart was filled with hatred and I stopped caring about life. When I got to high school, I met Sandita, Von and Vega we became like sisters and they were all the family I had. High school became a bore to me after a while, Sandi had already left school because she got pregnant and I didn’t think life was going to get any better for me by staying in school, so I dropped out and started dancing my junior year during summer vacation. My girls Von and Vega however went on and graduated, I’m proud of them two, the four of us have been through some craziness in life but we’ve made it through the rough times because we had each other.